(no subject)

When women in movies are sad, they always have a shoulder to cry on. When they are relapsing with that bad decision person, they have that sassy friend to stop them. More and more of my adult life involves isolating myself and dealing with things on my own. I'm not that sad now, but the pangs come and go and they're always at my lonliest.

(no subject)

As I'm coming out of this years-long depression, I realize that that thing that I thought was growing up was just part of the depression. That thing was not being enthusiastic about celebrities or...anything really. I didn't like much on tv, I was never really raving about a movie, etc. That is coming back, and it's super great. I have feelings that aren't negative again!
Monkees on Beach


I got a threat last night from the crazy (as you might expect), that he was "going to call Playstation" and have my device bricked. I found this very unlikely (I have the reciept, if I'm not mistaken, he doesn't have the serial number and all I'd really have to do if they did block access to the device is call them up and explain the situation), but I looked it up anyway, and he's completely pulling this stuff out of his butt. But it got me curious, and after a quick google of a known username, I found the very posts in which he was being given the "legal advice" he threatened me with back in August. And even then they basically told him he was screwed. But these posts did unveil another degree of crazy ("we weren't intimate or anything," he stresses vehemently and falsely), and I'd almost like to document them for the likely day in which this case will end up coming to court (I'm two ROTFLs away from calling the cops). But, it's not something worth bothering with.

I'm having one of those nights in which I stay up late not out of insomnia, but just a distaste for sleep.

(no subject)

There's nothing like realizing you don't know your own brother well enough to get him a Christmas gift. So that's a thing.

I'm really appreciating being alone a lot these last couple of days. When I get caught up in my ex bothering me, I forget about all the movies I want to watch, but haven't yet, and forget about burning candles and eating food in a fun solitary manner. But the last few nights, I've gotten myself back on track. I haven't felt the need to talk to people because it's my choice. I've eaten a comfortable amount of stuff at a relaxed pace and cleaned up after myself (well, I always do that in my new place). I have watched two movies I've been meaning to see for a while (Forest Gump, Hot Fuzz), and remembered that I like not only the silence that follows the television shutoff, but the fact that this is mama Emma's safe haven. This isn't the place I have to ask for permission to have someone over to, but it is the place that a friend stayed the night because she didn't want to be home, and it is the place that I would gladly let any of my friends stay if they needed it. I finally have money to loan people again without it breaking the bank, and that's neat too. And really, this is the first time I've had my OWN place. It's tough when I keep thinking about how I moved out at eighteen that I still had other people controlling my home. Granted, this is still a rental, but I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going, don't have to be quiet because someone is sleeping,etc. I had roomates, I was a live-in nanny, and I lived with an insane person I used to date, but never just me. And I love living by myself, I love going places by myself (see my annoying posts about not having a boyfriend, I was always pushing that).

And for what it's worth, I don't almost drive to the old place anymore. I don't fear that the crazy is following me home or breaking into my house to steal or damage something. This is my place. My home. I am safe and comfortable here.

I look forward to more nights in my pjs with a virgin margarita and bag of popcorn, watching a movie I want to see, prefereably with Cowboy curled up nearby.
Monkees on Beach

Skin Feeling

The last two and a bit months of my life have been so surreal that I can just pull myself out of the events and not even feel like I'm the one in them.

It's like...the first 20.2 years of my life were this one tv show about this lame, goofy girl who has friends on the internet and zero social skills and next to no hopes for romantic endeavors. And then BAM! I started starring in a new hit tv show about a girl with physical world relationships and social skills and all that. And the new character I'm playing is pretty and sexy and has short hair and a nice wardrobe and blahblahblah.

I just don't understand how or when I made the transition from one to the other.

The next six months

Essentially, I have started to deduce that the majority of my mental blocks against doing certain things are irrational. So I'm going to set up some life goals for myself, to base the next space of time on:

-Take the ACT - This is simple enough. I'll get more scholarships for it, I won't have to worry about taking it, etc. The next testing time that I've not missed the deadline for is February 11th, with a sign-up deadline of January 13th. I need to sign up for this and maybe even do a little practice.

-Take some spring classes at OSUM/MTC - Who cares if most of my friends are going to fancy, expensive schools? Isn't it a little less embarrassing to say you're going to one of those schools than none at all? Besides, I have to live my life, they don't. I'll be more prepared and it will enable the next goal.

-Get the internship at 102.5 - I know I'm assuming more control over this than I really have, but I do have radio experience and good grades from the college I did, this should be possible.

-Find a proper, outside-of-Marion College - Public, not private. I won't make that mistake again. I need a flexible school, probably one that does broadcasting.

-Move out by mid-February - If I end up needing to move to a house in Marion, I can do that. If I manage to get that internship, maybe transferring to an apartment and job in Columbus will make more sense. Either way, this house and Marion in general are not very good for me.

-Revise your [expletive] Script! - Also sell it, if possible. It doesn't have to be my whole plan, or even connected to my plan, but I need to at least try. If it ends up selling, what a pleasant fiscal surprise.

-Do the mega-revisions on "The Devil You Know" that you've been putting off - This is a huge no-brainer. I need to take out the goofy, soppy crap I soaked it in, and get back to some of the earth-loving and science fiction roots. Then maybe it won't be so hard to tell boys what the story is about without sounding like an idiot. There are some REALLY GOOD scenes in there, and the premise doesn't suck, so I need to have at it.

And another thing

whenever I am doing something that I'm proud of or just in general, and I happen to mention it to my mom, she has to get involved in it. She has to know how to do it better and she has to take over it. If I argue with the changes she is suggesting, or fail to follow her suggestions, not only does she get really angry, but then she talks about how stupid I am for not using her brilliant idea, to other people.

Like: the looks I do on lookbook. She always knows the best way to put MY outfits together. Even when she doesn't. I'll be really proud of something that I like and I think other people will like and she will try to tell me how dumb it looks until I believe her myself. If I just need a photographer, she will do the artistic direction her way, even when I know what I want. My poses are dumb, my feet look dumb, I'm not making a good face. All this until I choose the photos I hate that she thinks will be great for the "look." And then I end up with these horrible main photos that no one hypes (like today) and she just shrugs it off because I'm the one who was making stupid faces in the photos she took. I try dude. I really enjoy dressing nicely and taking photos of it, and I want to be pretty, but it's hard when your toughest critic is your mom.

And when I ignore her instructions and suggestions, I end up with some of my most popular looks, things I am proudest of, things that actually look good and professional.

I am just really tired of being put down constantly by someone who complains all the time about her parents putting her down all the time when she was a kid/teen.


Mental stimulation
Validation for careers
Social life

Money worries
Time consumption
Being a "freshman" all over again
Having four more years of school?
Luke and Vadar

Summer depression

I don't think my family get how upset I am and I'm not positive I want to share it with them.

I came home because in SF I couldn't get a job or concentrate on my writing and because I needed to switch majors.

And now, back here for the summer, I find myself unemployed while out of school for the first time since I was 16. Goodwill is not hiring me back straight off. I thought this might happen, they're under new management. I just hoped it wouldn't. I was even convinced it wouldn't; by coworkers and parents alike. It's very upsetting and I don't want to look for a new job. I love it there. Not only that, but I fear that I won't be able to get a new job. Goodwill is most of my work experience because it was the first place to hire me and I never looked for another job in town. I had no reason to.
Plus, I don't know what my major will turn out to be, if any schools will accept me, or how I'll pay for the schools once I get in.
I've not been able to write very much at all and I'm apparently "fatter than [I've] ever been" (according to my mother). There are dozens of ideas swarming in my head and none of them come out as actions. I want to eat, but my brother has elected himself as my personal trainer to help get me down to a reasonable size and now I feel sick at the thought of junk food. The days of my life are slipping away like sand in a sieve and I don't know what to do about it. I haven't even started to sell my completed script and I don't know where to begin.

Oh and to top things off, the laserdisc player won't work, meaning our planned fun day was smirched too.
Monkees on Beach

My Marvelous Day

A few weeks ago I got a whole bag of vintage clothing for free at an estate sale that was ending as I entered. There were a few things that didn’t fit me perfectly or suit my body type, so I decided to get rid of them. One shirt was one I was going to keep, but I wore it for half a day and got annoyed with it.

I walked all over the place looking for a clothing store who would buy my crap. I didn’t sell anything until the very last store. I went in with my three vintage pieces and he looks them over and goes “I can give you 75 for this one.” I’m like “okay.” 75 cents is alright, as long as I get rid of something. I mean, I’m still making a profit off of free. Then he goes to the cash register and counts out $75.


I still couldn’t believe my luck, I thought that must be for something else, but then he had me sign a form and handed the money over.

So I took my extra copy of THX-1138 into Amoeba and decided I’d buy whatever I wanted. But I ended up mainly just going through the clearance until I realized how late it had gotten. And I still found all of the above CDs. The best part is my total: $12.17. And on the way home, the Clipper machine on the bus was broken, so my ride was free…